A Texas Blessing

[TonyKarter]

A TEXAS BLESSING
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Beetles, scorpions, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In Texas , Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs...
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Ah, what a place to call home. .
God Bless The State of TEXAS !!!

[terryscott621]

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

+1. This is SO true!!! Everyday at my office it's a fight to see who gets the shady spots to park in.

[Panzer Leader]

Thankfully we have had pretty much overcast skies and a piss pot full of rain. My electrical bill was reflective as such. To the extent that, I looked into a home nuke reactor. $999.99 on Home Shopping channel. (We could dream)

[texn884]

God Bless our Great State of TEXAS

[Mier]

I get to work early and I don't care where as long as a covered spot. That means it's only 85-90 inside not 105-110

[wyome]

I miss Texas!!

Until then...
The following list of rules apply to each person as
they enter Texas; Know them and learn them.

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are sheep, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? , I-30, I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 and I-45 go north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

5. Every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. "The Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. Any references to "corn-fed" when talking about our heftier women will get you jack-slapped, by one of the hefty women. Big women are not so pleasant in Texas.

11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu, anything "Russian," or "French." Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices - salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.

14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have a boat.

15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

16. High School Football is more important here than the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

18. Colleges? Try UT, Texas Tech or Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, and many nations. So, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do, you will get your butt kicked!

20. Daily, the military is only used as a backup. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA-Certified Shooter Education Course.

21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."

22. After losing a close election for Governor of Tennessee, Davey Crocket summed it all up. "You all can go to hell. I'm going to Texas!"